I spent much of my adult life in denial. Denying I had a problem with my weight and my approach to food. I knew I was overweight, I knew I was killing myself, I knew if I didn't get a handle on it I was in a downward spiral, I knew I ate too much and I knew I was eating the wrong foods. I KNEW it but I pretended to myself that all those problems didn't exist, I was fat but I wasn't THAT fat .. yeah right. I ate bad but I didn't eat THAT bad ... well aside from the processed food and extra unnecessary fats and sugars added to meals ... oh and just ignore the not so secret binging. Looking back now it's obvious to me I had a serious eating disorder ... undiagnosed ... untreated ... but very very serious ... and it was killing me. Even now I still think of myself as totally normal ... no eating disorder ... I am just overweight, it's simple, I can lose the weight and I'll be fine.
I'm NOT fine. I'm not JUST overweight. I have an eating disorder and I will have it the rest of my life.
There I said it. After a year and a half eating a calorie deficit and losing 100 pounds I finally admitted to myself something that was obvious in hindsight. It's a little depressing and a little liberating at the same time.
I am obsessed by food. The taste, the texture. I am also incredibly picky. I am not fond of seafood, I'll eat it but it isn't one of my go to meals, and exotic seafood is RIGHT out. I don't like organ meats. I never used to be able to tolerate mushrooms, in fact I'd gag if I tried to eat one, no idea why, all psychological I assume, I am getting over that though and while I they aren't my favourite food I am cooking with them a lot more these days and am starting to appreciate the wonderful flavour they can give a dish ... just not that thrilled with them in bulk ;)
The thing is, ever since I started this *diet* (I hate calling it a diet) it's a new lifestyle. I seem to have switched some of my food obsession not into eating it (well binging anyway) but into MAKING it. I am experimenting constantly with new recipes and flavours. I am eating much healthier than I have ever eaten in the past. I am watching my portions however, I am counting calories, I am setting goals and I am sticking to them! At the same time I am learning new recipes, some good, some not so good but some GREAT.
My kids have more or less flown the coop. My son lives at home but his work hours are such that he rarely eats dinner at home and my daughter is away at college. A budding great cook in her own right! I love sharing recipes with her and learning new tricks she has tried :) My husband works out of town and only gets home on weekends so for the past couple years I have had a lot of time available to focus on ME. Getting a handle on my weight and weight related health issues. Dealing with menopause and generally getting reacquainted with myself, the self that isn't molded to those around me. Not a mom. Not a wife. Not a daughter or a sister .... just me. It's been emotionally liberating. It isn't that I didn't like being those things I mentioned, I did, and I do ... it just that I was so busy BEING those things I lost touch with who I WAS.
I like to cook. I hate cleaning up but I like to cook. I love the way all those different ingredients go together to make something delicious and healthy. I was a lab technician for many years and I guess for me, cooking is sort of like being in a lab, concocting things, experimenting, a little of this .. a little of that, what does adding this do? Anyway ...I'm having fun. My family gets to enjoy my occasional successes when they come home and I get the benefit of turning my obsession from something harmful into something that is creative and healthy.
This blog is being posted not just for anyone who might stumble upon it, who might be encouraged or inspired by something I wrote but rather, it is being written for me. A sort of public diary and recipe book for me. A way to document and share what I've learned if anyone is interested and a way to express myself, even if it's only to an empty computer screen. All my successes and failures in the kitchen with maybe an occasional rant about the state of the world ;)
Cheers,
IA
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